🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.